"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."
-Hellen Keller
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thankful
Last week when I was flying home for Thanksgiving, I realized something that I hadn't recognized before that moment. I have been happy the past few months. No, it's not even that I've been happy, but rather that I have been living these past few months.
I have felt more alive. More normal. More like myself.
Sophomore year I wrestled with Depression. It wasn't the more normal melancholy that I so often cycled through during Middle School and High School, but a heavy, deep, and dark depression. During the course of the year I lost myself. I lost my being.
I was a shell of a person, just an empty gray shell.
There was no enjoyment in life; I lived through each day just to get through the day.
I don't know when I actually came out of this depression, but its effects were lasting.
I still felt as if I were largely going through each day simply to get through the day. I still felt like I was just the empty shell of the person I used to be. While it wasn't that I had no enjoyment in life whatsoever like before, it still was not much enjoyment at all.
Nothing really made me laugh, nothing really made me excited, or happy.
It's hard to describe it fully, but basically I still didn't feel like I was living. I was merely existing.
But as I sat in the silence of my flight, thinking through the past few months, it dawned on me how much I have been enjoying life. I finally feel like I'm not only existing, but I'm living.
And for this, I am so thankful.
These past few months have been so sweet. It's been a time of healing in my life. A time of being filled. And it has also been a time of learning.
I am learning from things of the present (like my injury) as well as learning from things of the past. I feel like God has been connecting the dots between my past and my present. He has been revealing little by little, his work in my life.
I found a letter a little while back, stuffed away in my backpack. It was a letter that I had written to God while I was coming back from a sports ministry trip in Costa Rica. At the end of the letter I asked God to put me in a situation that I would have to learn to be totally dependent on him.
A girl on my trip had shared with our group about how she had prayed that very prayer, and shortly after had major issues with the bones in her shins. I don't remember the details, whether she had to have surgery or not, but basically she was unable to play soccer. It was even painful at times to just walk. Soccer had been her outlet her entire life, the thing she turned to when she was upset, frustrated, or stressed. It was her release, and her comfort. But shortly after asking God to put her in a situation where she would learn to be completely dependent on him, she was unable to play. She was unable to turn to the very thing that she had been dependent upon before.
Maybe I am reading too much into this, it's fine if you think that I am, but I wonder whether it is a coincidence that a few months after I very seriously asked God to put me in a situation that would make me wholly and completely dependent upon him, I had the hardest and most miserable year of my life... That year wrecked me; it temporarily destroyed me. I was unable to depend upon myself and didn't care or want to depend upon anyone/anything else. And while I wouldn't say that I was completely dependent upon God during that year, I would say that there were moments in which I learned how to be more dependent upon him than ever before.
I'm not claiming that all bad things that happen to us are from God, or a part of his "perfect plan". I know some people believe that whole heartedly and would even criticize this claim of mine that some bad things happen for no reason at all. I do, however, believe that God takes the bad and uses it for good. Always. And I do believe that there are instances in which he allows, or dare I even say causes something that may initially be bad or hurtful. I think that there are times that he does this to challenge us, to teach us, to strengthen us, to help us grow, and to prepare us for things to come in the future. Sometimes the hard times are the only times we really truly pay attention. Or for those of us who are a little oblivious, it's only after the "hard times", when we finally take a moment to reflect, that we realize what has been learned or gained.
Anyway, as I flew home for Thanksgiving I reflected upon this (and much more that I do not have time/room to write about but would help explain all of this in a deeper, fuller way) and I was overcome with thankfulness. Thankfulness for the life that has been restored within me. Thankful for the faithfulness of the one who restored it. Because to be honest, I had given up on the hope of ever finding joy in life again.
I have felt more alive. More normal. More like myself.
Sophomore year I wrestled with Depression. It wasn't the more normal melancholy that I so often cycled through during Middle School and High School, but a heavy, deep, and dark depression. During the course of the year I lost myself. I lost my being.
I was a shell of a person, just an empty gray shell.
There was no enjoyment in life; I lived through each day just to get through the day.
I don't know when I actually came out of this depression, but its effects were lasting.
I still felt as if I were largely going through each day simply to get through the day. I still felt like I was just the empty shell of the person I used to be. While it wasn't that I had no enjoyment in life whatsoever like before, it still was not much enjoyment at all.
Nothing really made me laugh, nothing really made me excited, or happy.
It's hard to describe it fully, but basically I still didn't feel like I was living. I was merely existing.
But as I sat in the silence of my flight, thinking through the past few months, it dawned on me how much I have been enjoying life. I finally feel like I'm not only existing, but I'm living.
And for this, I am so thankful.
These past few months have been so sweet. It's been a time of healing in my life. A time of being filled. And it has also been a time of learning.
I am learning from things of the present (like my injury) as well as learning from things of the past. I feel like God has been connecting the dots between my past and my present. He has been revealing little by little, his work in my life.
I found a letter a little while back, stuffed away in my backpack. It was a letter that I had written to God while I was coming back from a sports ministry trip in Costa Rica. At the end of the letter I asked God to put me in a situation that I would have to learn to be totally dependent on him.
A girl on my trip had shared with our group about how she had prayed that very prayer, and shortly after had major issues with the bones in her shins. I don't remember the details, whether she had to have surgery or not, but basically she was unable to play soccer. It was even painful at times to just walk. Soccer had been her outlet her entire life, the thing she turned to when she was upset, frustrated, or stressed. It was her release, and her comfort. But shortly after asking God to put her in a situation where she would learn to be completely dependent on him, she was unable to play. She was unable to turn to the very thing that she had been dependent upon before.
Maybe I am reading too much into this, it's fine if you think that I am, but I wonder whether it is a coincidence that a few months after I very seriously asked God to put me in a situation that would make me wholly and completely dependent upon him, I had the hardest and most miserable year of my life... That year wrecked me; it temporarily destroyed me. I was unable to depend upon myself and didn't care or want to depend upon anyone/anything else. And while I wouldn't say that I was completely dependent upon God during that year, I would say that there were moments in which I learned how to be more dependent upon him than ever before.
I'm not claiming that all bad things that happen to us are from God, or a part of his "perfect plan". I know some people believe that whole heartedly and would even criticize this claim of mine that some bad things happen for no reason at all. I do, however, believe that God takes the bad and uses it for good. Always. And I do believe that there are instances in which he allows, or dare I even say causes something that may initially be bad or hurtful. I think that there are times that he does this to challenge us, to teach us, to strengthen us, to help us grow, and to prepare us for things to come in the future. Sometimes the hard times are the only times we really truly pay attention. Or for those of us who are a little oblivious, it's only after the "hard times", when we finally take a moment to reflect, that we realize what has been learned or gained.
Anyway, as I flew home for Thanksgiving I reflected upon this (and much more that I do not have time/room to write about but would help explain all of this in a deeper, fuller way) and I was overcome with thankfulness. Thankfulness for the life that has been restored within me. Thankful for the faithfulness of the one who restored it. Because to be honest, I had given up on the hope of ever finding joy in life again.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Home for the Holiday.
I am back in Muskegon for Thanksgiving and while I love being home and with family, I feel so very off right now. I think there are two main factors contributing to this. The first, is the time change. I always forget how difficult it is to come back to an Eastern time zone for only a few days. It always takes me multiple days/nights before I adjust to the time change decent enough.
The first night I was home I stayed up until 4 a.m...the second night was 2 or 3 and right now it is 3:30 a.m. and I'm wide awake. So I have been awake during the nights, and then I sleep throughout the day.
Now, the reason I end up sleeping throughout the day, instead of simply staying awake so that I will be tired enough to sleep at night, is because I'm stuck inside all day long. At least today I was...
This, I believe, is the second reason I have been feeling off.
It's 30 degrees and windy (not so inviting), and with my knee not allowing me to move as freely as I desire, I'm simply stationary in doors.
The combination of a really messed up sleeping cycle and being not only inactive, but inactive and indoors all day long has affected my mood pretty majorly.
I am home, it is Thanksgiving, and yet I have been a downer all day. How disappointing that my attitude has been so poor.
I need fresh air. I need activity. I need to get myself out of the dumps and change my attitude.
The first night I was home I stayed up until 4 a.m...the second night was 2 or 3 and right now it is 3:30 a.m. and I'm wide awake. So I have been awake during the nights, and then I sleep throughout the day.
Now, the reason I end up sleeping throughout the day, instead of simply staying awake so that I will be tired enough to sleep at night, is because I'm stuck inside all day long. At least today I was...
This, I believe, is the second reason I have been feeling off.
It's 30 degrees and windy (not so inviting), and with my knee not allowing me to move as freely as I desire, I'm simply stationary in doors.
The combination of a really messed up sleeping cycle and being not only inactive, but inactive and indoors all day long has affected my mood pretty majorly.
I am home, it is Thanksgiving, and yet I have been a downer all day. How disappointing that my attitude has been so poor.
I need fresh air. I need activity. I need to get myself out of the dumps and change my attitude.
Monday, November 15, 2010
My second post and I already want to be done with this because I have nothing interesting to share. But I'm going to stick with it.
Knee Update:
Doing well. Still doing Physical Therapy and my daily exercises to get muscle back in my leg. I've been able to go on the eliptical now for the past week and a half or so which has been GREAT. I actually hate the eliptical, but it feels more like running than the bike does so I'm loving it for that reason.
School:
Bores me at the moment. After studying Arabic, Islam, the Arab-Israeli conflict, and the ppl and culture of the Middle East last semester, psychology just doesn't seem to excite me anymore.
So I've decided I need to get my life in order. I feel like it's somewhat out of control right now. Not in a major way, just with the smaller things. But these smaller things have been adding up lately. So, to counter that, I'm making small goals for myself.
For example: last week my goal was to sleep in my bed every night, with it fully made, me in the sheets, and pajamas on. Sounds like a strange goal I know, but for those of you who don't know, I have an uncanny ability to fall asleep anywhere, anytime. This ability has evolved into a habit of some sort. A habit of falling asleep out in the living room unintentionally while reading, doing schoolwork, on the computer, whatever. So I fall asleep out there (sometimes fully dressed and shoes on) and end up spending the night on the floor, beanbag, couch, or floor cushion. I was beginning to average probably 4 nights a week of sleeping out there.
Anyway, I am fed up with that. No more. No more.
So last week I made a point to go to BED when I started getting tired, instead of letting myself get to the point where I would just fall asleep or would be too sleepy/comfortable to even want to get up and go to my bed.
I almost made it.
Wasn't fully successful, but it was an improvement! and an accomplishment that felt good =)
So anyway, I'm trying to set small goals for myself, to be intentional, responsible, and force myself to get things done right away w/out putting them off.
I'm sick of being irresponsible, I'm sick of ignoring the world around me because I don't want to deal with the little things.
I have a problem with time...I'm never on time for anything.
I may not care about time, but our society does, other individuals do...I can't just ignore everyone else's expectations concerning it simply because I don't care about it.
Anyway.
That's my little frivolous rant for the moment.
Knee Update:
Doing well. Still doing Physical Therapy and my daily exercises to get muscle back in my leg. I've been able to go on the eliptical now for the past week and a half or so which has been GREAT. I actually hate the eliptical, but it feels more like running than the bike does so I'm loving it for that reason.
School:
Bores me at the moment. After studying Arabic, Islam, the Arab-Israeli conflict, and the ppl and culture of the Middle East last semester, psychology just doesn't seem to excite me anymore.
So I've decided I need to get my life in order. I feel like it's somewhat out of control right now. Not in a major way, just with the smaller things. But these smaller things have been adding up lately. So, to counter that, I'm making small goals for myself.
For example: last week my goal was to sleep in my bed every night, with it fully made, me in the sheets, and pajamas on. Sounds like a strange goal I know, but for those of you who don't know, I have an uncanny ability to fall asleep anywhere, anytime. This ability has evolved into a habit of some sort. A habit of falling asleep out in the living room unintentionally while reading, doing schoolwork, on the computer, whatever. So I fall asleep out there (sometimes fully dressed and shoes on) and end up spending the night on the floor, beanbag, couch, or floor cushion. I was beginning to average probably 4 nights a week of sleeping out there.
Anyway, I am fed up with that. No more. No more.
So last week I made a point to go to BED when I started getting tired, instead of letting myself get to the point where I would just fall asleep or would be too sleepy/comfortable to even want to get up and go to my bed.
I almost made it.
Wasn't fully successful, but it was an improvement! and an accomplishment that felt good =)
So anyway, I'm trying to set small goals for myself, to be intentional, responsible, and force myself to get things done right away w/out putting them off.
I'm sick of being irresponsible, I'm sick of ignoring the world around me because I don't want to deal with the little things.
I have a problem with time...I'm never on time for anything.
I may not care about time, but our society does, other individuals do...I can't just ignore everyone else's expectations concerning it simply because I don't care about it.
Anyway.
That's my little frivolous rant for the moment.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
And so I begin once again.
I'm temporarily starting to write in this blog again.
Although I'm no longer traveling abroad and therefore don't have very many exciting things to write about, I think it may still be good to keep those who I do not see very often updated in my life. I started off college following my sister's idea of an "update email" and even though it was a great idea, it very quickly was abandoned.
The thing is, I'm horrible at "keeping in touch". I hate the phone, letter writing becomes a major task for me, and emails...well I just don't keep up with them. When it comes down to it, I'm not the best communicator. This I believe is a problem that needs to be addressed. So to begin addressing it, I'm going to make a commitment: for the next month I will be committed to writing some sort of update on this blog at least once a week so that those who care to know what is going on in my life, have a chance to hear about it.
Biggest change in the moment: my time as a soccer player is officially over. Many of you already know that I tore my ACL this past September during one of our Pre-season games. That injury ended my time on the field, but it didn't end my place on the team.
I'm so thankful for the season that I had even though it wasn't at all the season I had imagined for myself.
Anyway, it is now officially, officially over. Season is done. My soccer career is done. and I am beginning the process of disengagement from the identity I have held since a child. I am no longer an athlete. Sounds dumb I know, but athletics have determined and influenced a large part of my life since I began investing my time in them at the age of five years old.
While it's strange to think that that part of my life is over, it's simultaneously intriguing. What am I moving on to? The end of athletics marks the beginning of the end of college for me. It is the preview of my life 6 months from now when I graduate and am officially independent. On my own. An adult.
My whole life is lying ahead of me.
Like I said. Intriguing.
Although I'm no longer traveling abroad and therefore don't have very many exciting things to write about, I think it may still be good to keep those who I do not see very often updated in my life. I started off college following my sister's idea of an "update email" and even though it was a great idea, it very quickly was abandoned.
The thing is, I'm horrible at "keeping in touch". I hate the phone, letter writing becomes a major task for me, and emails...well I just don't keep up with them. When it comes down to it, I'm not the best communicator. This I believe is a problem that needs to be addressed. So to begin addressing it, I'm going to make a commitment: for the next month I will be committed to writing some sort of update on this blog at least once a week so that those who care to know what is going on in my life, have a chance to hear about it.
Biggest change in the moment: my time as a soccer player is officially over. Many of you already know that I tore my ACL this past September during one of our Pre-season games. That injury ended my time on the field, but it didn't end my place on the team.
I'm so thankful for the season that I had even though it wasn't at all the season I had imagined for myself.
Anyway, it is now officially, officially over. Season is done. My soccer career is done. and I am beginning the process of disengagement from the identity I have held since a child. I am no longer an athlete. Sounds dumb I know, but athletics have determined and influenced a large part of my life since I began investing my time in them at the age of five years old.
While it's strange to think that that part of my life is over, it's simultaneously intriguing. What am I moving on to? The end of athletics marks the beginning of the end of college for me. It is the preview of my life 6 months from now when I graduate and am officially independent. On my own. An adult.
My whole life is lying ahead of me.
Like I said. Intriguing.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Why have I never read Wendell Berry before?
The Wild Things.
When despair grows in me
and I wake in the middle of the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting for their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
-Wendell Berry
When despair grows in me
and I wake in the middle of the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting for their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
-Wendell Berry
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